Just Because It’s ibanking Doesn’t Mean It’s Always Error-Free

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Written by: Topics: The Business

It’s showtime. You’ve finished a presentation, printed a copy in colour and placed it, correctly stapled, on the Managing Director’s desk.

Enter the Managing Director (MD).

The MD calls you over. Pointing at the document before him he asks, “this is the final draft?”

Hesitatingly you reply. “Yes.”

The MD makes himself comfortable, throws one quick glance at you with a look which unequivocally says ‘you’d better have gone through this doc carefully at least 50 times before putting it before my royal ass’, and then begins going through the document. Having done this for over 15 years, it has become like bread and butter for him – errors, mistakes and typos practically jump out at him as would a Buddhist monk at a hedge fund conference.

Then the moment comes. You’re looking over the MD’s shoulder when, as he’s carefully perusing a slide, you notice that you’ve misspelled the name of the client in one of the paragraphs. Absolute catastrophe. This kind of mistake generally warrants outright humiliation in front of the whole team. You nearly faint. Without warning a drop of sweat descends down your forehead and then crashes onto your MD’s back leaving a momentary wet stain. He senses something and violently turns and looks up at you. You return his forceful stare with a puny smile which an onlooker may mistake for constipation. He quickly turns round again and resumes his critique. He is about to detect your error. It’s imminent. Meanwhile you’ve shortened your life by 2-3 days from the stress of being caught.

The MD cries out: “What the f@&k is this!”

The torture of the wait is over. He will unleash hell but at least you’ll be out of your misery. [READ MORE…]

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A Real ibanker: #9 Is A Believer Of Religion

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Written by: Topics: A Real ibanker

Nearly every ibanker who has set foot on this fine earth believes in the service and worship of a higher power. The very few outliers of this mysterious, numbers-are-much-sexier-in-my-bank-account sector (i.e. ibanking) you may come across who deny this simply haven’t looked deep enough within their soul to realise it. But they will. It is but a question of time and they have no choice in the matter. It may be that it dawns upon them only after their life as an ibanker ends, and they rediscover that luxury called free time. It could even happen right after they’re summarily fired from the job and find themselves sitting alone on a park bench eating a tasteless sandwich. And then, like unexpected lightning, it strikes and everything becomes illuminated.

When it comes to religion the ibanker is both a monotheistic and polytheistic creature at the same time. But let us not dwell too deeply on the inconsistencies which that assertion introduces into the dialectic. As tends to be the case with many arguments, conflicts and general confusion, much boils down to semantics. And though some will argue that that those two states of disparate beliefs – simultaneous acceptance in one and in many – are irreconcilable they are in fact not wholly incompatible in the world of the ibanker. Before I explain why, it’s important to touch on a remarkable trait of the ibanker species: openness to the impossible.

Believe young ibanker…believe

See, the ibanker has battled odds which would turn nearly any doubter of things supernatural into a firm believer, including himself or herself. Reminds me of an amusing little story. It is said that once upon a time an ibanker in India managed to sell the Taj Mahal, which everyone knows doesn’t belong to any one person, to a consortium of European investors for fifty million dollars cash and disappeared with the money as soon as a fake deed was handed over. By the time the fairer skinned businesspeople realised something was wrong it was too late and they had indeed been taken for a – rickshaw – ride of epic proportions. Note, the protagonist was an ex-ibanker at a tiny boutique ibank, so imagine what the big boys at the top firms do. But that is a whole other story. The point is the ibanker is a believer in all things. [READ MORE…]

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A Real ibanker: #8 Knows That ibankers Are Not All The Same

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Written by: Topics: A Real ibanker

Us humans are a rather interesting lot. We come in all colours, sizes and shapes. But what really sets us apart is how differently we behave from one another.

Indeed, on a broad level, ibankers operate differently than other professionals. We think very (x5) commercially, foresee fee-making angles where others see obstacles, contemplate large success fees and act as rainmakers, for instance by convincing established corporate powerhouses and government officials to raise and spend billions to buy trophy London commercial real estate or build a new airport. All this influences the way we act. Yet that everyone knows already.

What concerns me is that very little is known by the populace about the multitude of shades – much more than a mere 50, which make up ibankers as individuals. Alas, many people out there still see ibankers as all being very much the same.

It was something an artist once told me that drove this home.

Vampire Weekend

A few of us had gone to a nearby bar following a rocking Vampire Weekend concert. The place was overflowing with people, most of whom had in fact just come from the concert. Everyone was in a great mood, having drinks and making conversation.

I happened to be chatting with a painter from New York City I had just met when an investment banker – you can tell your kin like a vampire feels another’s presence – at the bar was telling a few guys about a deal he was working on for a major music entertainment company. I’ll admit the fellow ibanker was half drunk and unusually loud. To make things worse, he was name-dropping left, right and centre. Allegedly, he partied with the likes of Beyoncé and Bieber. The painter next to me also took note of it and wasn’t aware that I was a member of the ibanking clan too.

“Dude, take a look at that guy at the bar. I mean, really, ibankers are all the same. They act the same, sound the same and even behave the same. They probably even fart the same.”

I smiled along.

The painter then raised a finger to underline his next point. “Actually they’re too uptight to fart.” [READ MORE…]

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Labour Abuse Is Rampant in ibanking So Learn To Say No Or Else…

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Written by: Topics: The Business

Investment bankers drop out of the business daily and there are plenty of causes for this unfortunate phenomenon. Poor performance tops the list and, come on, there’s no reason why it shouldn’t. Every young banker knows what she or he signs up for before they start. If you don’t perform as you’re expected to you’ll be fired. Very fast.

Another cause of departures has to do with a nasty case of bad luck. If the bank is getting ready to lay off people you could get the short end of the stick. It happens. Investment banks lay off people without mercy. No exaggeration.

Then there are also self-led exits. Say the job becomes so damn overwhelming that you cannot hold up the weight of your responsibilities anymore and so you just give up. You throw in the towel and decide it’s time to get out. Who knows, maybe the real reason is that you want to spend more time with your friends and family; you can’t take any more crap from your boss; or simply because, as you build your 19,000th financial model, it dawns on you that you’ll remember the best years of your life having been spent with Mr. Excel. Whatever your reasons there’s a little trick that can make life a little bit easier at the bank, save you from getting a few additional grey hairs and help you reduce – but just a little – the labour abuse that’s an inevitable part of ibanking. It’s a two-letter word which conveys one of the most powerful human messages. An expression of refusal or denial whose mastery becomes a rite of passage for all successful ibankers who remain in the business and go on to attain great success, perhaps even one day grace the  cover of the Financial Times. That word is “No”.

1) The desire or need to abuse is the natural state of affairs in the jungle of ibanking

A jungle is a wild mass of vegetation but is also a place where animals struggle to survive. You must have thick skin to endure. The tiger doesn’t hesitate to devour a wild pig the moment the latter falls in view. It doesn’t think about little piggy having piggy desires and piggy ambitions and wearing piggy pijamas. It will simply rip the prey in half, walk away and then take a nap, thinking nothing of the slaughter which occurred moments earlier. Piggy was just a means to survival.

Similarly, in an investment bank many bankers won’t give a damn about you or how hard you slave away. You’re a means for them. Your very presence elicits, in them, a desire to give you work. And regardless of how awful, stressed or agitated you look they’ll pile on more work on your plate if they can and won’t think twice about it. I’m not saying they’re heartless bastards. It’s just the nature of the business and people are there to make money. They do what they have to. In fact, it’s very likely that the abuse being dished out was done just as badly to the guy who is doing it to you. And in time you’ll do it to the school of  fresh-faced goldfish that joins the firm.

2) The naturally weak will attract more predators for they are easy prey

Ruthless struggle is part of jungle life. And easy prey is, well let’s be honest, easy. If you’re a starved feline you chase the slow, helpless creature (i.e. meal).

In an ibank’s junior class there will always be a number of young grasshoppers eager to please all. Sadly, in their attempt to demonstrate eagerness, this demographic will be seen as willing and subservient servants. And surely they will be treated as such. They are generally incapable of refusing requests, which in a bank tend to come across more so as commands – remember, ibankers are assertive.

Therefore, when a junior ibanker is identified as a “yes” man or woman they will very likely be given a steady flow of work. More so than their more defensive peers. The “yes” people in time become quite miserable. [READ MORE…]

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The Persian, The Shepherd And The ibanking Of Religion

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Written by: Topics: Stories

Of Religion And Banking

It is said that Paris Berkeley Capital’s private banking business owns a highly secured and closely monitored chateau in an undisclosed location in Normandy, France where four floors below ground level there is a candle-lit corridor that leads to a stone spiral staircase which in turn takes you further down to a large rectangular hall guarded round-the-clock by Swiss-trained security officers.

Inside this mysterious hall – know as the ‘library’ – rests a large collection of archives which collectively tell the history of investment banking, dating back to antiquity. It is even said that some of the oldest investment banking deal agreements are held within this highly secure room. They outline, in great detail, various monumental transactions ranging from the financing of the great pyramids of Egypt to the exploits of some of the most famous explorers of our past, including Hernán Cortés.

In one section of the library there is long shelf labeled ‘religion’. The remarkable thing about it is that on that very shelf is a scroll which proves that it was in fact investment banking which helped catalyse the beginning of what later became known as the monotheistic religions.

The scroll is titled The Persian and The Shepherd.

The Persian

Story has it that thousands of years ago a young, handsome Persian man of humble origins set out on a journey across the world to discover the secret to great wealth. He, above all else, desired vast riches.

Driven by a deep-seated desire to find the truth, he spent fifteen years travelling from place to place taking odd jobs wherever he could. Everywhere he went, including as far out as India and Egypt, he carefully observed the habits and idiosyncrasies of the very rich and successful. His goal was to glean as much possible from them in order to discover what was responsible for these individuals’ vast successes. He would then do the same and hopefully become a very rich man himself one day. His was a quest filled with purpose.

To his frustration, however, the Persian could not pinpoint one key, defining characteristic that accounted for all the money very rich people made. The myriad of wealthy merchants and businessmen he met differed from one another greatly. The great South Indian spice trader whose floors the Persian cleaned was a completely different man from the Arabian gold collector whose shoes he shined and the Chinese silk merchant whose harem he taught Farsi (Persian).

Alas, the Persian was no closer to understanding the secret of success than when he set out on his mission fifteen years ago.

That is, until he met the wise Shepherd of Bagdad. [READ MORE…]

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Bonus: It’s Much More Than Just A Word

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Written by: Topics: The Business

More Than Just A Word

The word bonus can mean different things to different people. If you were to randomly stop someone in the street and ask them what the word means to them you’d probably get a response along the lines of the following:

“Hmmm…something extra that’s nice. Real nice.”

“An amount or sum given in addition to what I expected.”

“An additional prize, award or bit of cash. Expected or unexpected.”

Fair enough. That’s pretty much the textbook definition of a bonus. But we’re not interested in generic, blanket definitions. We’re talking finance here. More importantly, the investment banking side of finance. To an ibanker, therefore, those above-mentioned answers are dishearteningly superficial. They are the words of one who knows nothing about the great journey of the ibanker. Alas, living a world that very few understand is part of the ibanker’s burden in his quest for glory and riches.

The most powerful things are difficult to define

In my years in banking I’ve come to know myriad ibankers. Women and men from different countries of the world, emerging and developed alike. From children of European banking dynasties and Chinese real estate magnates to first-in-the-family-with-a-university-degree Americans, Indians and Norwegians with boundless ambition and energy. Thin, tall, fat, short, I saw them in all shades and colors. And despite their personal idiosyncrasies and individual backgrounds none could ever give you a straight answer if you asked them ‘what is a bonus’?

How could some of the sharpest minds on earth stall when asked a simple 4-worded question? Remember, they included former debate club leaders, chess masters, straight A students (since birth), mental calculators, standardized test aces and even members of rhetorical societies. It didn’t matter. The question would arrest them. The reason is only they, that special breed of financiers, feel the overwhelming surge of emotions from this highly charged word. They are alone in that respect. [READ MORE…]

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A Real ibanker: #7 Never Forgets That Each Day You Are Closer To Your Last

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Written by: Topics: A Real ibanker

The Execution

One of the biggest sharks on the floor my first year at Paris Berkeley Capital was a managing director called Matt. A tall and chubby man in his mid-forties, he looked like a character out of a Dickens novel and scowled every time he faced a junior banker. When Matt was around, the atmosphere was unusually tense. People behaved differently. As he walked past an analyst, the latter immediately put on an air of gravity, moved closer to the computer screen and stared ahead with a sense of purpose and determination. It was imperative to give off the impression of high concentration and mental focus. You had to look extremely busy when he was around. Matt’s proximity sent shivers through many spines. Mostly junior vertebrates. There was reason for this, of course. It was no irrational fear. It was not unfounded. You were afraid. Very afraid.

Not a day went by without Matt yelling and screaming at someone. I assumed these intense episodes were cathartic for Matt. No doubt he was under a lot of pressure to deliver more revenues and fees for the bank. Everyone was under pressure at Paris Berkeley Capital. Most of us dealt with it our own particular way. But when Matt went off on some poor pre-pubescent creature of the lower banking species it meant being belittled so badly in front of others that the downtrodden intern or analyst wouldn’t peep another word out of their mouth the rest of the day. Stories of Matt’s abuses became the thing of legends. Having witnessed many, and sadly experienced a few myself, I can confidently say that his verbal attacks were legendary.

Much like predicting the movement of stock prices in emerging market stock exchanges, knowing when Matt would violently erupt next was confined to the realm of fortune-tellers, soothsayers and clairvoyants. There were too many variables involved to know for sure. Anything could set him off: a missing period at the end of a sentence; a small typo in an e-mail to a client; forgetting to PDF a document; the way you dressed; being unlucky to have been born. Occasionally, he’d walk up behind you and just stand there. He then carefully eyed your computer screens looking for, no summoning, a mistake. Unsurprisingly, you started feeling uncomfortable and it would affect whatever work you were doing at the time. And that’s when he would unleash hell.

Daniel, a German analyst in my team bore the brunt of it in our group… [READ MORE…]

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Poem: If

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Written by: Topics: Uncategorized

IF

If you can keep optimistic when all about you
Are fearing an economic meltdown and blaming it on you
If you can be convinced in your ability to deliver a deal when others call it into question
Yet allow for them to fully express their lack of faith
If you can persevere and avoid losing the drive to earn bigger fees
Or, offered very little, subtly take whatever money is on the table
Or being envied not to give way to envy except coveting greater success
And never dress down, nor talk too modestly

If you can crave – and not make your cravings your master
If you analyse – and not make your analysis your aim
If you can meet with Fortune and Happiness
And treat those two relatives as the same
If you can bear to have presentations you’ve created
Criticized by competitors to put you in a bad light
Or watch your clever financial models thrown out
And build up the courage to create them again from scratch

If [READ MORE…]

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A Real ibanker: #6 Loves Quid Pro Quo

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Written by: Topics: A Real ibanker

Lawrence of Quid Pro Quo

It was the middle of July. Though, as always, I was busy as hell and indoors looking out at the world through a window near my desk, I reminded myself that this was a great time of year. The weather was warm, people were excited about summer travel plans and of course there were interns all around the bank.

Hungry, driven interns ran around with boundless energy. Interns, many of whom had gone through everything short of giving away an organ to obtain an internship, were to us in the business very much like newborns, the future. They would one day carry the torch…

Of course, not all interns are the same.

When a banker has spent enough time on the job he or she will come to acknowledge that there are several undeniable certainties in business. One of them is that for every worthwhile act or deed you carry out for someone you can, and damn well should, ask for one in return. It need not happen right away but should at some point in the future when the time is just right. When a true banker calls in a favour it often means money is part of the equation and a banker’s favour always – let me repeat, ALWAYS – comes with interest.

As the banker evolves in his or her craft he or she becomes a procurer of bigger favours. Moreover, this wizard of finance also becomes well versed in the act of subtly implying favours.

I spent a great deal of time covering the Middle East region and, let me tell you, in that part of the world everyone understands the saying: “scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours”. For the enterprising banker, it is a land of opportunities…

The request

One quiet morning as I sat at my desk building a financial model… [READ MORE…]

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Those Magnificent Bankers And Their Dedication To Clients

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Written by: Topics: The Business

Open anytime, any day

Investment bankers make money and make a shitload of it. The economy may be soaring to dizzying heights, streets can be filled with blood or the country may find itself on the precipice of collapse. Just as well, the ibanker will keep printing money. Fear not for his or her fate my dear reader. The business is such that there will always be an angle to make money. In the worst of times it only means that some ibankers will be forced to walk the plank. Yet the bank, and the lucky, remaining bankers, will continue making money. Lots of it. But only after putting clients’ interest first. After all, it’s about the immense dedication to clients.

I can think of few better examples to address the phenomena of an ibank’s uncanny ability to make money through dedication to the client then my first advisory project at Paris Berkeley Capital.

The client was a large Qatari bank with an annoying problem. We were the doctor and our opening hours were as follows: anytime, any day, and no appointments necessary. We always made time for clients.

An opportunity knocks

It was a morning like any other. I was in the middle of preparing one of a handful of presentations imminently due when, all of a sudden, Mario, one of the Managing Directors in my team, walks up to me, taps me on the shoulder and asks me to follow him into a meeting. He didn’t have to ask, I brought along a notepad and pen. By now it was second nature. I was so used to being given a shitload of work at any moment that I even carried pen and paper to the toilets out of habit.

We take the elevator to the floor reserved for important client meetings. Mario knocks twice and opens the door. We enter the room and proceed with introductions. The CEO of the Qatari bank strikes me as a distinguished  gentleman. A bit of research carried out earlier revealed to me he was a close confidant of the Emir of Qatar and a very influential man in the Gulf. I’m glad to meet him.

The CEO’s countenance suggests to me that the nature of the meeting is of utmost importance so I am particularly attentive from the moment I take my seat… [READ MORE…]

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